Navigations are at the top.
I went to church this morning despite feeling damn
lazy and tired and wanted to use EXAMS as an excuse
not to go to church this morning. However, the effort
to attend service this morning was well worth it.
I think God is showing more signs to me on how I will
be able to live my life to the fullest and how can I feel
good not just on the outside, but also the inside.
The message today was really applicable to my current
state of life. The main crux of the message is on the
factors needed for spiritual disciples to grow. The
following are the TEN factors:
1. Scripture.
2. Prayer.
3. Worship.
4. Solitude.
5. Stewardship.
6. Sharing the faith.
7. Simplicity.
8. Fasting.
9. Confessions and Forgiveness.
10. Perseverance.
I am not going to blog about all the factors but TWO
factors, Simplicity and Confessions and Forgiveness,
that I felt strongly about.
Last night, I was talking to Parkapan (I know it sounds like a
cartoon character's name but that is her real name) about
school stuff and etc and she was telling me about how she
prefers her life to be simple and she do not need to worry
so much about the future. Just live life simple and things
will be easier. She feels that my life is too "CHIM" or too
complicated or too deep to understand. I just told her that
we are at different levels of life.
I realized at this moment in my life, I am just bogged down
with too many commitments and I am unable to work on all
of them at once. It has reached a point that I have decided to
drop everything and leave my plate empty for the next 2 years.
It is time for me to recover. With all those commitments, my life
got too complicated for me to handle. Things were not supposed
to be so difficult for me but it just devoured me physically,
emotionally and mentally. I guess I was the one who is to blame
for my own plight by taking on too much things to prove myself.
Now that I have made the decision to rest for the next 2 years,
things seems simpler and easier to handle. I just need to deal
with my school work and I might spend my extra time taking
courses to redevelop myself. If I had taken my failed relationship
more simply, I would not have gone through so much EMOism
and life would be so much happier.
Even though I have decided to stay single for a while and let
bygones be bygones, there is still a sense of bitterness in me
against her because I just cannot accept the fact that her heart has
changed so quickly. She called me yesterday to ask me about RAC
matters because she is in the new committee as the Treasurer. It
has been about a few weeks since we contacted because I have
decided to stop doing so and I do really feel better and the "letting
go" process is so much easier to bear. I just wanted to end the
conversation as quickly as I could because I do not really want to
talk to her anymore. Once her queries are answered, I just said Bye
and hung up. She smsed later and I just replied single lined SMS to
try to end the communication as soon as I could as well. I do not
really hate her in anyway, but I find it difficult to communicate with
her on other issues besides work. It is hard to forget the way that I
was treated by her and all the false hopes that she had given me
after we broke up. I am trying my best to forgive myself and her
and really let this episode of my life end but such matters take time
to resolve. I just pray that I can find the will to forgive and forget
everything that had happened between both of us so I can move on
to the next level of my life.
In fact, I think that I am moving on really well. I am going on outings to get to know more female friends and I have caring friends who are going to introduce their GREAT SINGLE GIRLFRIENDS to me. However, my intention is just to expand my social circle and not to get into another relationship because I am exhausted by all the emotional trauma after each and every relationship. The pain just gets worse each time a relationship ends because the stakes are bigger for each new relationship. It would also not be fair for the other girl if she is going to be treated by me as a substitute to be my companion and when I know that I cannot devote myself fully to her. Singlehood is really not too bad after I kind of gotten used to it over the last few weeks.
Exams are going to end tomorrow and SUMMER 2009 IS HERE !!! It is going to be hectic but I think this time round, it is going to be satisfying! *I hope* I will be in Cambodia on 21 Apr 2009 to 25 Apr 2009. If there are any matters, please email/sms me and I will get back to you as soon as I can. For extremely urgent matters, just call me.