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At this moment in time, it is 6.45am in Phnom Penh, Cambodia. Today is my 4th day in Cambodia and everything is extremely good so far. The country is similar to Vietnam but my experiences here as of now are more exciting. I shall give a more detailed description when I am back in Singapore.
In general, I visited another province in Cambodia on my first day, took a boat ride to a Village, stayed one night in the village, experience village life, visited local markets, visited the community that I will be working with, ate Khmer food, wore Cambodia's "Kroma" (intending to buy a few more back, look at beautifil sunrises and sunsets, and etc etc.
I will be back on 25 Apr 2009 and I will write more when I get my own laptop. My fingers and hands are hurting now because the Keyboard here is damn tough!
Monday, April 20, 2009
In about 8 hours, I will be on my way to Phnom Penh, Cambodia, for my Overseas Community Service Project Recce Trip. I am contemplating now whether I should go to sleep or just wait till I fly off. HAHAHAHHA ! I think I will just die in Cambodia for the first day.
I think for this semester, I will just be an average SMU student scoring average of Bs and B pluses. BP was really crap today. I did like the hardest multiple choice questions ever and I lost 7 mark because of my poor attention. I hope my Prof will give me sympathy marks. Just pray for a miracle. Had ethics today as well but it was all about writing and writing and writing until the time is up.
Went to watch a movie with QING2 after ethics. Watched Jackie Chan's "Shinjuku's incident" and I thought it was not a bad movie despite mixed reviews from my friends. HAHAHA ! This is the show that Jackie Chan is not fighting at all. HAHAHA ! Had dinner at Ma Maison afterwards and it was a good meal to pamper/comfort myself after one semester of torture (emotionally, physically and mentally).
SUMMER 2009 is here and exciting events are going to happen real soon ! WOO HOO ! LIKE TOMORROW !!!!
Sunday, April 19, 2009
I went to church this morning despite feeling damn
lazy and tired and wanted to use EXAMS as an excuse
not to go to church this morning. However, the effort
to attend service this morning was well worth it.
I think God is showing more signs to me on how I will
be able to live my life to the fullest and how can I feel
good not just on the outside, but also the inside.
The message today was really applicable to my current
state of life. The main crux of the message is on the
factors needed for spiritual disciples to grow. The
following are the TEN factors:
1. Scripture.
2. Prayer.
3. Worship.
4. Solitude.
5. Stewardship.
6. Sharing the faith.
7. Simplicity.
8. Fasting.
9. Confessions and Forgiveness.
10. Perseverance.
I am not going to blog about all the factors but TWO
factors, Simplicity and Confessions and Forgiveness,
that I felt strongly about.
Last night, I was talking to Parkapan (I know it sounds like a
cartoon character's name but that is her real name) about
school stuff and etc and she was telling me about how she
prefers her life to be simple and she do not need to worry
so much about the future. Just live life simple and things
will be easier. She feels that my life is too "CHIM" or too
complicated or too deep to understand. I just told her that
we are at different levels of life.
I realized at this moment in my life, I am just bogged down
with too many commitments and I am unable to work on all
of them at once. It has reached a point that I have decided to
drop everything and leave my plate empty for the next 2 years.
It is time for me to recover. With all those commitments, my life
got too complicated for me to handle. Things were not supposed
to be so difficult for me but it just devoured me physically,
emotionally and mentally. I guess I was the one who is to blame
for my own plight by taking on too much things to prove myself.
Now that I have made the decision to rest for the next 2 years,
things seems simpler and easier to handle. I just need to deal
with my school work and I might spend my extra time taking
courses to redevelop myself. If I had taken my failed relationship
more simply, I would not have gone through so much EMOism
and life would be so much happier.
Even though I have decided to stay single for a while and let
bygones be bygones, there is still a sense of bitterness in me
against her because I just cannot accept the fact that her heart has
changed so quickly. She called me yesterday to ask me about RAC
matters because she is in the new committee as the Treasurer. It
has been about a few weeks since we contacted because I have
decided to stop doing so and I do really feel better and the "letting
go" process is so much easier to bear. I just wanted to end the
conversation as quickly as I could because I do not really want to
talk to her anymore. Once her queries are answered, I just said Bye
and hung up. She smsed later and I just replied single lined SMS to
try to end the communication as soon as I could as well. I do not
really hate her in anyway, but I find it difficult to communicate with
her on other issues besides work. It is hard to forget the way that I
was treated by her and all the false hopes that she had given me
after we broke up. I am trying my best to forgive myself and her
and really let this episode of my life end but such matters take time
to resolve. I just pray that I can find the will to forgive and forget
everything that had happened between both of us so I can move on
to the next level of my life.
In fact, I think that I am moving on really well. I am going on outings to get to know more female friends and I have caring friends who are going to introduce their GREAT SINGLE GIRLFRIENDS to me. However, my intention is just to expand my social circle and not to get into another relationship because I am exhausted by all the emotional trauma after each and every relationship. The pain just gets worse each time a relationship ends because the stakes are bigger for each new relationship. It would also not be fair for the other girl if she is going to be treated by me as a substitute to be my companion and when I know that I cannot devote myself fully to her. Singlehood is really not too bad after I kind of gotten used to it over the last few weeks.
Exams are going to end tomorrow and SUMMER 2009 IS HERE !!! It is going to be hectic but I think this time round, it is going to be satisfying! *I hope* I will be in Cambodia on 21 Apr 2009 to 25 Apr 2009. If there are any matters, please email/sms me and I will get back to you as soon as I can. For extremely urgent matters, just call me.
Saturday, April 18, 2009
HAHA ! Got my Strategy stuff today and the seller was nice
enough to tell me that my Prof is damn slack. MUAHAHA !!
Beside the photocopied version of the textbook, there were
FREEBIES as well ! As part of the package, the seller threw in
case studies answers and the exams questions with answers!
Hopefully the Prof is really that slack and will not change the
case studies that will be allocated to my summer class. HAHA!
2 more damn papers to go and I will be done. After which, I
just need to prepare myself mentally for the worse. I really
have no confidence at all for my exams this semester. It was
too traumatizing. BLEH !!!! Hmmmm... I've been talking and
having lunch with my Si Chuan Gang leader and she is one
hell of a joker. Met one of her Gay friend today who is also
from Si Chuan and HE WANTS TO KNOW ME !!! OMG !!!
Maybe I should consider him since I am now single. HAHA!!
But I really want to Thank the Si Chuan Gang Leader for
helping me out to secure some important information. I've
no idea how I am going to use those information but I am
sure that I will need more help from her in the future.
THANK GOD FOR INTERNSHIPS !! WOO HOO !!
动力火车 POWER STATION !!!
9:55 AMI came to school quite early to finished up on my Ethics
readings on the various ethical theories. I have sort of
lost the steam to fight on for the last 2 papers after the
traumatizing paper on Thursday. I guess I will really feel
better if I lower the expectations of myself in SMU. But I
really do not want to do that. It is against what I believe
I was meant to do.
Had dinner with Shel and Chel last night at FIVE STAR
chicken rice. I don't really like the chicken rice there but
"someone" say that it is good. It was then Shel informed
us that she was rejected by SHELL. HAHAHA ! Imagine if
she were to work for them. "Good morning, this is Shel
from Shell, can I look for so and so?" *Chel was trying to
control her laughter at this point of time.* I also revealed
my deepest and darkest secret that I wanted to be a lorry
driver with a bachelor degree in Business.*Chel was also
trying to control her laughter at this point of time.* Had
Swensen's ice cream and that is after we tried looking for
Hiaggen-Daz along Tembling St and Gelare Cafe at East
Coast Beach. Both of these locations has ceased their
operations and we have to settle with Swensen's instead.
I usually do not like to eat a lot of ice cream but I had 3
scoops yesterday. I am going to get back my weight too
quickly if this diet carries on for the next few weeks
Spoke to Char Te last night. Haven't spoke to her for some
time but it was nice talking to her for a short while before
we decided to study for exams first and gossip more later
after exams. HAHA ! There are a lot of things to catch up
between RAC SMU and RAC NUS. Sounds like international
politics but on a smaller scale.
I was thinking about songs by Power Station and it was damn
EMO la. I was kinda smiling at myself because the song lyrics
made me think of the reason why I was depressed during the
first quarter of 2009 and I was kind of stupid. It was a saddd
process but it was well worth it !!! At least I know what I want
and what I do not want in my current state of life right now. I
have gotten used to singlehood and this is all thanks to a few
group of friends whom I can hang out with and have fun with.
HAHA !!! I thank GOD for them !!! At least I am happy most of
the time except for those times when I am alone, got nothing
to do and start thinking of stupid things.
I just want to get over this semester now !!! It will all be over
in 2 days time !!! Hip Hip Hurray !!! I just need to do something
else outside this routine. Come to think of it, this semester really
passed so fast and I will be in year 3 soon. Things should be
looking good for the rest of 2009. I just need to get my focus
back for good and firm up my directions in life and then work
towards it. I just need a new direction for me to drive myself
there and be satisfied with it.
Friday, April 17, 2009
MAYDAY MAYDAY !! I'VE BEEN HIT
11:08 AMI had my first 2 paper for the final exam period
yesterday. I was kind of excited because I have
been waiting for sooooo long for my exams to
start. But my excitement was died down when
I saw the finance paper. I literally left about 20
marks worth of questions not done and it include
those that I think i will get wrong. I really had
suicidal thoughts after my paper because I put
in a lot of time in finance but yet I just could not
perform. HAIZ ! If I just had more time and it could
have been alright. I am not worried about failing
thepaper, I am worried about the grades that I'll
be getting. I guess the only way for me to feel
better is to lower my expectations but that is not
good either. HAHHA ! Due to the impact that I
have suffer from Finance, I had no mood to do
my political science paper afterwards. I started
out my war losing the most critical battle that
could have more or less determined the overall
outcome of the war. We shall see what happens
on Monday for my 2 other battles.
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
GOOD MORNING SMU !!!!!
9:15 AMI was planning to come to school at about 6am this
morning but end up lazing around on my bed when
I woke up at about 5.30am. HAHA ! I only got to the
school library at about 8.30am. Bleh. =P
I AM EXCITED THIS MORNING !!! I don't really know
the exact reason but I think it is most probably due
to the fact that tomorrow is the START OF MY FIRST
PAPER !!! I have been waiting for way too long for my
exams to start and some of my friends have already
finished their exams. I think that I have a certain
streak going on for the last 4 semesters. My exams
all end on the last day of the examination period.
I think that it is good that I try to keep myself at this
level of excitement because there is a lot of work that
needs to be accomplish today. I have to look through
my Political Science essays, which I am supposed to be
doing now. HAHA !!!
It feels good to feel like me again. Somehow I am getting
back the same old feelings that I used to have when I was
still in poly and I LOVE THOSE FEELINGS !!! I look forward
to what is going to happen in the final 2 years of my Uni
life and I think that it is going to be rather exciting. I think
I've screwed up my first 2 years in SMU quite badly but I
did learned a lot from it. I learned more about myself and
the direction that I should be heading. It also feels nice to
be alone these days as it allows more time to reflect and
think about what I have been missing these days. I used
to be a firm believer that I do not need friends and I am
on my own. But, things are different these days. I have
found new friends and those whom I never thought were
my friends. HAHAHA ! They suddenly appear out of nowhere
when I was not at my best state. They were there to listen
and talk to me. Hmmmm.. Friends are quite a nice to have
around. MUAHAHAHA ! I think I will try out my new philosophy
of life and see what happens from it.
Sunday, April 12, 2009
哭
12:26 AM以前我看到朋友哭
我很羡慕
可是我怎么逗我自己
怎么弄我自己
我的眼泪都流不出
总觉得能够哭的朋友
都很幸福
能够把满腔的无奈
满腔的痛苦
让泪水带走
最苦是泪水哽在心头流不出
就象要爱却不懂怎么去爱
自己哭过后才明白
流过泪的眼睛
将生命看得更清楚
只有真正懂得付出的人
才懂得何为哭为何哭
再坚强的心偶尔也会脆弱
心会疼也也会感动
只有真正懂得付出的人
才懂得何为哭为何哭
泪水要记得为真心保留
眼泪别白白地流
The above chinese words are lyrics to a song by 阿牛 or Ah Niu.
It is about how he saw his friends cry and how envious was he
because no matter what he does to himself, he just cannot cry.
He felt that those who can cry are fortunate because they are
able to let the tears carry all their frustrations away. It is the
hardest when you want to cry but yet you can't. It is only after
you cry, then you will realise how much there is in life for you.
Only those who have lived out their life know why they should
cry. The toughest hearts may be weary at times, their hearts
may be in emotional pain at times but they will also be touched.
Remember to keep your tears for your true emotions and do not
let it go to waste and cry over incidents that are nothing.
I kinda like this song since it was out many years ago. I believe
the song was from Ah Niu's first album and this was back when
I was still in secondary school i think. HAHAHHA !
Friday, April 10, 2009
Suddenly got motivated..
10:51 PMIt has been a few days since I updated my blog. HAHAHA !
In fact, I wanted to do it a few days back but just can't put
myself to leaving my studies alone. HAHA ! Sounds like a
super mugger.
I spent the last 5 days on Political Science and I think it was
kinda not worth the time because the overall grade is only
worth 25% and the weightage for my other modules are like
40%-50% for the final examination component. BUT, what
the heck. I've already invested the time, so see what happens.
I think Professsor Alex is a nice person when his position is
not a lecturer but a friend. I think his exams plan this time
is really bad. ONE textbook is already enough to kill a normal
student but then he wants to test TWO of his text. To make
things worse, there is going to be 2 ESSAY questions for the
exams being picked out from a list of 20 questions, which is
good enough for a PHD Thesis, that he had given to us about
2 weeks before the exams.
I wanted to go back to school library now to start on Finance
but I just felt so lazy to go back after dinner. I gave myself
an excuse to rest since I've worked myself till I got sick over
the last 5 days. Finance can begin tomorrow !!! I can finally
begin mugging for my "favourite" subject.
Over the last few days, I have no idea what happened to me
but I felt really motivated and happy. Things were looking on
the bright side for me and I just feel good. It is kind of weird
but then it is good that my positivity is coming back to me
again despite this period of stress !!! I think certain decisions
that I have made over the last few days and weeks helped me
achieve to the state that I am currently in right now.
Examinations venue was released a 2 days back and I was
quite anxious to see where is the venue of my Finance paper.
I was hoping that the venue is not going to be some mass hall
in the admin building because I do not want to see her or that
guy during my finance paper. I think that I will not be able to
concentrate on my paper if I know that I am sitting for the paper
in the same room with them. EEEyyyyeeeeerrrrr !!! HAHAHAHA !!
However, by God's Grace, the finance paper are going to be held
in DIFFERENT rooms !! WOO HOO ! Thank God. At least, I can
concentrate on my paper and try to do well in it. =)
Most importantly, I am finally going and it is not just talk. I GOT
MY TICKETS TO ISTANBUL, TURKEY !!! I think that it is a sign that
I must go to Turkey to visit Cuci and her family and to visit other
places as well. Initially, when I booked the tickets, the price that
I was supposed to pay to Emirates was $1215. On the day before I
went to Emirates, I checked online on the pricing again just for the
fun of it. And Guess what ! I will save like almost $500 if I leave 2
days earlier and stay 3 days lesser in ISTANBUL ! Of course, the
rational choice is to cancel my previous booking and make a new
booking !!! As of 9th April 2009, at about 11am, I have confirmed
my flight to Istanbul, Turkey, when I paid $719 to the lady sitting
in the Emirates Head Office located at Park View Square. When she
got the money, she issued my E-tickets for my flight to ISTANBUL !
ROCK ON !!! HAHAAHA !!!
Although 2009 started quite badly for me, the rest of the year is
going to be damn exciting !!! The following is what's going to
happen to me tentatively from Apr 09 to Dec 09 for me. These
plans are more or less confirmed.
Kenny's Plan for the Rest of 2009
April 20th -- End of Exams !!!!!
April 21st to April 25th -- Flying to Phnom Penh, Cambodia
April 27th to May 31st -- SUMMER TERM 3A (MGMT102 Strategy)
Jun 8th to July 8th -- Flying to Turkey, Greece and Tunisia (Higher Level Soul Searching)
July 25th to Aug 11th -- Flying to Phonm Penh, Kampong Chnnang, Siem Reap (OCIP)
Aug 17th -- YEAR 3 BEGINS !!!!
Oct 3rd to Oct 11th (Tentative) -- Flying to Germany !!! (TA-ing for BSM under Menkhoff)
Dec 2nd - Dec 31st (Tentative) -- Either Korea, Vietnam, or Australia
For now, I better study for my final exams first and look forward
to all those events mentioned above to happen. MUAHAHAHA !!!
Monday, April 6, 2009
Someone shoot me in the head, PLEASE !
12:53 PMI just started on my Introduction to Political Science
revision and it is already killing me !! AHHHHHH !!!!
There are like so many chapters to read and to make
things worse, there are like 2 freaking books !!!!
To make things even worse, there are pre-posted
final exams essay questions to prepare. 20 questions
are given but only 4 are going to be tested. AHHHH !
So much things to prepare and so little time.
I am just so tempted to tell her to stop calling or
sms me. Communicating with her is just painful
these days because she only contact me when she
needs to know critical information about the exams
or the school administration matters. Other than
that, I hear nothing from her. She does not even ask
how am I doing and how is study week coming along
for me. Somehow, I am feeling my old bastardy self
coming back again but it will only be towards her alone.
MUAHAHAHHHAHA !!!! She has already chosen the path
that she wants to take and we are definitely not walking
on the same path.
I have found a certain level of acceptance within me
that I will be staying single and she is not making things
easier for me in the letting go process. I must say I do
not love her anymore and I'm determined to stop missing
her entirely. (i did not contact her for the last 3 days until
she smsed me this morning but I shoo her away). I guess
I had enough of her bad attitude towards me these days
that I do not see a point in being nice to her anymore. Since
she has already found someone who is "nicer and sweeter"
than me, she can depend on that person entirely. Her future
are no longer in my hands and I cannot advise her what she
should do for her school life, even though I am damn good
at it. HAHAHAHA !!! EGO !! But please be clear, I do not hate
her at all. I just want her to let me live on own life without
her interfering.
I want to thank GOD for all the people that HE has appointed
to come talk to me when I am at the lowest point of my life
and brought me back to my walk with GOD once again after
walking a different path for about 8 years. I really appreciate
all those who were there for me and I do not know how to
thank them. Now, I am just taking my time to find my goals
again and get myself refocus with the priorities of my life.
Saturday, April 4, 2009
Am I at my peak ???
5:29 PMFor many years, I have been looking for my limit.
At this moment in time, I have given up on almost
everything because I am just sooooooo exhausted.
I do not feel like taking on anymore leadership role
for at least the next 2 years and not be committed
in any projects or anything else, except for my
school work. It seems like it is a built up of events
that led me to the state that I am in right now. I
do not think my failed relationship is the main
cause but I believe that was my breaking point.
The stress and emotional distress got so bad and
overwhelming that I just could not take it. I need
to get myself to a neutral state, meaning that I've
no other secondary duties but my primary duty,
which is to settle my degree. Now, I am sort of
unsure of what I want anymore, where I should
go, what kind of person that I want to be, how
can I achieve happiness and many other doubts.
I was wondering to myself, is this really my peak?
I can't wait for this semester to be over and let me
use the summer holidays to sort myself out. BUT, I
can only officially do that when I finish my Term 3A.
Although I am feeling much better about several
things, I just don't feel enthusiastic about a lot of
things and this is not a good sign because I was
once an individual who never gives up on anything
and I never feel anything is impossible. I just want
my old bastardy self back. I need to do some soul
searching and refocus my life.
As of this morning at about 10am, I have taken the
first step to recovery by booking my air tickets to
Istanbul Turkey. MUAHAHHAHAHAHA !!!! Higher
level soul searching comes at a higher cost. HAHA !
But before I can start planning what I want to do
over there, I must mug my ass off and study for
the finals !!!!
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
One more to go !
2:16 PMJust finished my finance presentation. Tried my
best to explain the Modigliani Miller Proposition
to the class and I am convinced that they are lost
even though I have simplified it as much as I can
already. HAHA ! I think we did alright. Felt a little
more relieved but then there is still the political
science individual assignment to go and I have
not even discuss the case study with my team
mates yet. It is going to be a tough few days to
get that bloody case study done and then start
on my revision. At least for now, my ethics is
sort of revised. HAHAHAHA !!!
Got blasted by OSL yesterday and it has been
sometimes since i got blasted by someone.
Their reason for blasting me is being a sad
face that they have lost their confidence in me
leading an overseas community service project.
I do not totally accept the doubts OSL have in
me but I do not see a point to argue back. I
am aware of what I am capable of and I tried
what I could to rectify the situation. If I do not
take any ownership of the project, I would have
not taken this up and left this project sometime
back. Anyhow, whatever they say does not really
affect me. We're just a group of students who
want to do good for another community. =)
There are 2 more teams presenting their finance
topics and I feel like sleeping already. HAHA !
If I were listening to them, why am I here BLOGGING !
MUAHAHAHHAHA !! Feeling super sleepy now.
And there is still the horrible political science
seminar coming. I hope today's class is short
then I can go home to rest...